“A Woman Must Pretend That Things are OK” and Other Words to Live By
Came across this piece in the Japan Times. It is an interview with Hiroko Mito, who is celebrating the 10th anniversary of her bar in Shibuya. It’s an interesting summation of what life is like for a working woman in Japan raising children with a less-than-ideal husband. One point she makes is something that hits really close to home and is pretty commonplace thinking in Japan:
A woman must pretend that things are OK, and she had better do it very convincingly. My husband was far from perfect: He had girlfriends, lost all of our money and was not around much. Of course, I hid that part of him from our children. I always talked about him with respect and love because I wanted the kids to feel happy and safe, and loving their father was essential for that. For kids, a parent is always a parent, no matter what he or she does, and it’s the wife’s job to make sure they have the kind of father they can love, even if it means enhancing his good qualities to the point of lying.
For most Western eyes, this way of thinking may seem very strange but is in fact not unusual in Japan, where women are expected to pretend all the time–even when it comes to divorce:
No child wants his or her parents divorced: they love both their mom and dad. So if parents love their children, they should pretend to be happy for the kids’ sake. Of course, really being happy is even better!
“Saving face” in Japan is a socially ingrained concept of not letting others see your true feelings. Along with concepts of (gaman suru) “sticking with it” and (issho kenmei ganbaru) “doing your absolute best,” it’s no wonder people will overwork themselves–even to the point of dying. However, it is this same mentality that allows people like Hiroko to overcome even the greatest obstacles.
Unless you throw your pride out the window, you’ll never survive. By the time I was in my late 30s, I had owned my own restaurant for a good 15 years. I was always working and never asked my husband what he was doing. Unfortunately, he accumulated an immense amount of debt. Not only did we lose everything we had — including the restaurant — we still owed a ton more. To make things worse, he had a stroke and could no longer work. For the next 17 years I don’t remember sleeping much, because I only thought about paying back what he owed. At 6 a.m. I would clean a store, then I made beds at a hotel, waitressed at lunch, bartended afternoons and hostessed till late. I raced from job to job, and in between I’d run home to take care of the kids and him.
I’m not saying these points are wrong or right, but instead am trying to show readers a glimpse of what life is like for many Japanese women. It is common for Japanese people to view Westerners as self-centered and for Westerners to see Japanese society as one that revolves around group mentality. This article definitely points out the sacrifices made by many Japanese women.
Source: Snack mama Hiroko Mito - The Japan Times
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